Review Batch 10

Review Batch 10

Woooo lucky number 10! We’re going to celebrate by talking about random obscure things from inside the office building I’m currently in. I’m stuck following my dad around as he ‘shows me the ropes.’

Elevators – Who doesn’t love pressing all of those buttons?! The way they light up and then take you to that floor, it’s such a smart piece of technology and simple too! It’s one of my favorite things in the worlds and elevators are amazing but not as good as escalators!

That being said when some stupid little kid gets on my elevator and then starts pressing the buttons I get so mad. My daddy and I were riding in one, and it was like take your child to work day cause some little kid came in and pressed all the buttons, so I had his mommy fired immediately, I argued for without pay but dad said it was unethical. So is having kids.

Elevators, Alligators.

Interns – Interns are great, they just do whatever you ask, and they always seem so happy to be there. I found one that was even unpaid, how does that even happen in the middle of Manhattan! This is crazy and amazing!

However, if they ever get my order wrong at Starbucks I will do everything in my power to make sure  that I can get away with murder because it’s infuriating how they can’t remember that I get a Quad Iced Venti, but in a trendy cup, vanilla latte with coconut milk but if they’re out use soy, with ristretto shots floated on top and if they don’t do the latter and give you a hard time then just ask for a Trenta iced coffee with four shots and extra soy milk. Duh. Super easy.

Interns, I’m glad they’re not getting paid because they are not cool.

Colo CSX – Yeah I’m taking notes. Of course, I’m taking voice notes ‘what did I just say’ you just said that it’s called the colo CSX. That’s not true I said that the colo CSX was the company we buy it from. They sell us colocation services, are you even paying attention? Yes, I’m paying attention I’m just taking voice notes, see? I’m not going to be around forever. I know daddy but trust me I’m totally listening. They like move stuff for us. Please put the phone down and take notes. Fine God!

Side note thank you Apple Voice Notes.

Chipotle – Best food ever omg. Some people like it because it’s a lot of food for cheap. I like it because the steak is divine. I could eat just the steak for days. If they could somehow come up with a way to make steak Twinkies, I would literally die and come back so I could enslave the world with my zombified corpse and have them make me the Chipotwinkie Steak wrap forever.

Hey, I’m getting bored of the reviewing thing process, so if you guys want a review or something go to Forbes or something, I don’t know. If you guys have a problem with it I can take your reviews of the lawsuit, I’ll be sending you

Kkthnxbai, Tina.

Review Batch 9

Review Batch 9

So hey it’s me Tina again dear readers. Here’s another review batch for you. I’m going to call this one number 9 because I can and it’s my website. Keep reading fools!

Mold – Hey I get that there’s supposed to be life after death and all that stuff. But when I spill white wine on the baseboards of my high rise apartment, I don’t want to be reminded of that because I forgot about it several months ago when I was “studying abroad in Italy.”

I put quotiations to throw off my dad (love you daddy.) Mold you are gross and weird and you smell bad and when I have boys over I don’t want them to think I’m some sort of pig. I’m the real deal. Not when there’s mold around, I’m over you. Now go die somewhere and for good this time.

Mold is old news, fungi is where it’s att

Drimaxx – You guys are my knights in polyester. I loved how quickly you guys came over and began doing your stuff it was super awesome and I love you guys forever for it. I do not enjoy the fact that you had to kick me out while it fumigated and that I could have died from it. I don’t take threats lightly or darkly.

That being said, you’re amazing and quick. IF you are ever looking for mold remediation, there’s only one name to call. Actually I wouldn’t recommend calling it by name because Drimaxx has a really weird way of coming out of your mouth I’d rather not talk about it again.

Drimaxx, DRI come up with a better name ffs.

Twinkies – You guys are amazing. Little creampuffs filled with delight. If I could die and come back as a Twinkie that never got eaten, I would be so happy because I know everyone would want me and that I was delicious without having to prove myself.

Street Side Vendors – You guys need to seriously do something about overcooking these peanuts. I love candied peanuts when I’m walking down Central Park but I really hate when I have to eat them and need to buya bottle of water too. It’s like you guys are part of some scheme where in order to sell one you have to sell the other! I’m not buying it!

That being said, please don’t stop selloing those nuts because I am absolutely crazy for them. Oh my god they’re so good. But not as good as Twinkies, don’t get ahead of yourself. If I eat nuts all the time as opposed to twinkies I won’t gain weight. Dr.Oz told me that.

Street Vendors, Street lend a hand to the next guy #Fourthwall

Homeless People – Find a home. You’re gross.

If you liked my list let the person next to you know and then run into a mailbox until you can’t remember your name.

Kkthnxbai, Tina.

Review Batch 8

Review Batch 8

So I just got done seeing my dad, yawn. I give it a yawn out of 5 kill me nows if you know what I’m saying! Up High, down low, keep reading or I’ll disconnect your internet. Don’t test me, you have no idea what I’m capable of, read, get your eyes off this sentence right now or I’ll have Armando take them away from you. Who’s Armando, don’t turn around, keep reading, good for you. See you at the bottom. Or not. Maybe I’ll cut out early and leave out the back door or just end on Secret Hookups and leave. Oh did she do a review on secret hookups? Get out of my face plebe.

Review Batch 7

Review Batch 7

Okay fine, how was I supposed to know that you can’t send chicken bones down the garbage disposal? I won’t do it next time, parents, right? Just kid ding, don’t try to relate to me because I hate you guys. Now read this and give me ad revenue.

Review Batch 6

Review Batch 6

I had to go out and buy a new keyboard because I sweat on it. Ew. 1, I don’t sweat, my plastic surgeon and I are going to have a chat. 2, I don’t want to be reminded so when I woke up from my white hot nightmare, the keyboard was in a million pieces, it was the cat I swear.

Review Batch 4

Review Batch 4

Hey guys, I’m doing like an internet marketing thing right now and so I’m just trying to make sure that everything is cool and stuff. So here I go, we’re going to talk about GoDaddy and KEYWORDS. I want to be able to rank for SEO and stuff. I don’t know; more people should read my stuff because I’m smart.

Review Batch 3

Review Batch 3

Hey guys, sorry I was gone so long, I was getting one really long manicure and thinking about stuff cause I’m deep and interesting!

Fire – Fire, you’re awesome because, without you, I’m pretty sure we wouldn’t be able to have TV or smores. I’m really glad you’re around, but you’re too close, and I don’t really dig that sort of thing, I’m kind of in the middle of a breakup and I’m not digging you being all up in my space some times.

But when you’re mad holy crap. Why are you so mad sometimes? Like all of the sudden I’m sweeping and being a great human being, and you’re literally covering all of my things with you it’s gross, and I think we should take a break from each other.

Fire, be like ice and chill out!

Miami Fire Department – Thanks guys for saving me. It was really nice when I had my panic faint that I could wake up in your super strong arms. You guys are all dressed really fashionably, and I respect that and without you, I’m pretty sure a lot of people wouldn’t have jobs, but more people wouldn’t have homes #deep.

That being said, is there anyway you can turn down your trucks any? It’s very loud when I’m around you guys and sometimes I’m trying to have some of my Bieber fever, and you make it very hard for me to listen to his voice when you turn those sirens on!

You guys are amazing, now stop yelling at me.

SAFE Inc – You guys, are amazing and without your super cool alarm system, I probably would have died at least once. You have nondescript set ups, and I dig that because I hate having stuff be obvious especially when it’s in my home, and it’s super annoying.

That being said, can you get a new name? Why not DANGEROUS or something? And also, hey what’s up with the call capitalization in your name, are you judging me or something?

SAFE? Stop being so WEIRD!

Ritz Carlton – Wow hey again, you guys are the real heroes of this crazy event in the life of Tina. Where would I be if at the end of the day I couldn’t snuggle up in your gorgeous beds? The sheets just perfect, the mattresses just pillowy enough. 10/10 would be in a fire with you guys.

IF there’s anything bad I can say about you guys, it’s that your name is hard to spell when there’s soot on my brand new iPhone 7. I know a guy, so I got it early, and I didn’t like that it kept taking my picture instead of taking me to that steak salad!

Ritz Carlten! I still can’t do it right! – Sent from my iPhone

Special Review: Orville Reddenbachers – You should make it EXTRA clear that it’s supposed to be 30 seconds and not 30 minutes. Sincerely, Tina. You guys owe me a vacation house.

If you guys have any complaints, concerns or questions be sure to redirect it to your foreheads!

Kkthnxbai, Tina.

Review Batch 2

Review Batch 2

Sidewalks – Sidewalks why don’t you get with the times already? Why can’t you receive the moving escalator thing like what happens at Islands of Adventure? Instead, now we have to use our feet and walk everywhere like the Indians a long time ago did when they used to move from hut to hut.

Look all I’m saying is this if we already have the ability to cure cancer, why can’t we just make the ground move under our feet and have robots that make us really strong and fit. Working out is so stupid.

Sidewalks, unless you’re made of soft rubber, stop existing!

The Movie “Hunger Games” – Don’t get me wrong I love me a good three-way love romance between desperate people in stupid situations. But this movie does dystopia the worst,

three-way romances the worst and action adventure the worst and don’t even get me started on Katniss.

The action? PG-13, yawn. The Dystopia? Utopic with peppers of 1944 Germany in there. Three Way Romance? Doesn’t work because there’s only one person the entire time and they’re totally wrong for her. Katniss? Can’t even fight her battles, such a waste of space as a character.

Dear Hunger Games, I’m starving for a good story here!

Top Notch Movers – Top Notch Movers, congratulations you are all attractive and good at moving furniture. What do you want a medal? I’m really like the

services you provided, this is an example of what the world should be.

If I wanted to lift a finger or break a nail, then I would move all of my furniture myself. Instead, I want hunky men with cute shirts to move my things for me, and you guys did it flawlessly! You guys are amazing and thank you.

Top Notch, Love Ya! Get a new name, though!

La-Z-Boy Furniture – La-Z-Boy how many cat naps have we shared together? How many times have I settled down in your warm arms and tuckered myself out only to wake up completely refreshed and happy? La Z Boy, you rock, especially your rocking chairs.

I greatly appreciate the softness I feel when I’m with you, it’s what I imagine my father’s hugs would feel like if he wasn’t in business meetings all the time. But you’re crazy

expensive, and if you think that I’m going to buy one of you when it’s Black Friday, you’re just as crazy as your prices!

La Z Boy, try not as X-pensive Boy!

Comments, concerns and complaints!?

I want to point out that Oxford commas are for nerds, and I don’t use them because if you think I’m writing this for you. Don’t hold your breath. I do what I want.



Review Batch 1

Review Batch 1

Hey everyone it’s me Tina Capo! Here with 3 fresh hot reviews for anyone ready to read. I’m a mobile girl, I’m not ashamed to say that my parents have money and that’s why I feel like I have the best opinion to be able to review this world because I get to live in the best version of it.


Spirit Airlines – Firstly hey spirit, thanks for being the cheapest airline travel in America. I love it, seriously. There are fewer ways for me to be able to get the most bang for my buck and you guys are the ones giving me all those bucks. But just because you’re cheap, doesn’t mean you have to be cheap.

The best way for me to fly on your airline is if I pop a bunch of sleeping pills before stepping on there because I literally always have a panic attack. It’s like if fisher price made an airline and the engine was made of all the burbling sounds a kid makes when he’s pretending to be flying.

You don’t have to pretend Spirit. You are a real airline, act like it!!!

Miami – Dear Miami, what’s up. You have some of the most attractive people on this planet. And they are always at the beach and they are always wearing, like, no clothing at all. It’s amazing and I love it. It’s super hot.

No really, it’s insanely hot here. How do you guys live down here at all, it makes sense why no one has any clothes because any cloth would evaporate under this insane heat. I think you should really consider investing in the opposite of magnifying glasses because if you could point some of this insane sun at anything else, it would make it much easier for me to avoid all of the burns I got in between walking from my hotel to my car rental.

Just because it’s the land of feugo, does not mean that you have to literally be on fire!!!

New York Taxi Service – You guys get me. If I wanted to pay someone to sit around in traffic all day trying to pass jokes at me, I’d rent an uber. I want to go fast and I want to get where I’m going. I don’t want somebody who will spend their time getting to know me.

I love it when you go insanely fast and totally break several rules if it means getting me to my location faster. Come on guys, twenties are one’s in New York and I have no intention of waiting around for my trust fund to accumulate. I need to go out, have fun and make bank. You guys keep doing you!

You’re the best in the world, expand already so the rest of the world can be faster!!!

That’s it for the first batch, next time I’ll be reviewing candles or something, probably not, I’ll have to wait and see.

Kthnxbai, Tina  .